This is pointless.

I made a decision to write in my blogger again. It's obvious I'm getting lonely out here. In some awkward and self destructive attempt at something:

http://syoneoka.blogspot.com/

First gig Thursday!

Be there, or be square.

And I suppose I have a few things to look forward to in the future days. Some more near than others, usually ranging in importance to me by time. Closest meaning the least. That's usually how it goes, for everybody with everything. Everything that is further away is more worth the wait. That's probably one of those "True facts about life". Something nobody can really prove, like one of those Final Fantasy Myths, but unlike those, these are true, and aren't absolutely meaningless... Then again, some strange people waste hundreds of hours of their lives trying to prove these myths true. Flying the Highwind across the world map from east to west 543897085278 times or whatever. Makes you think some people in this world are far too determined. Or crazy...

We all seem a little crazy sometimes. Some more than others.

Lately I've been thinking about this kinda "newfound happiness" that I've been experiencing the past week or so. It feels like I can live life like this, and not complain at all about it, y'know, living life on a normal schedule type thing. It regulates life, and makes it easier to handle. Everything that I feel though, most every bit of happy that I get from this style of life, not thinking deeply, seems empty. This empty happiness has got me feeling indifferent towards many things. Every emotion related topic in my life feels either empty, or I'm just completely indifferent towards it. It's not... what I want. Really. Anyone can live a boring lifestyle, with no thought, or feelings. I'm not one of them though. It's not enough for me. I've got to have some sort of deeper thought.

What's that one song? The old one I used to listen to when I was younger.

Anyways, back to what I was talking about earlier. Y'know, about the important things. I guess I could say the most important, at this point would be seeing Nate again. That about tops the list at number one. That, and hangin' out with Alex again in Virginia, that ought to be a lot of fun. Getting Sam back here for a week or two is also up there, miss that guy like hell. It's different here... without them. Hm. Well, other than that, getting through the school year is next, followed by doin' the regular hangin' out thing with my friends. Making a new short film with my buddies, and other various activities. I'm going to say girls have completely made their way off the list. As Nate reminded me, there's plenty of time for that after high school... right now, is really some of the best years of my life, and I can do so much instead of trying to impress the girl that gives me the least amount of attention, like the normal Spencer would do. Girls are somethin'... I'm not going to let myself get attached anymore though, I'm just going to have fun with it. As shallow as that sounds, it's really what I need to do. It's just how the dice are rolled.
Don't get me wrong... I'm still me in every way. I'm just not going to let myself fall hard for a girl again, they'll just y'know, rip my heart out and whatnot. Because that's what they do. When I was talkin' about it, surprisingly, Nate even said that's the type of person you turn into a relationship. Ahh well, life moves on, while other people make relationships, I make music.

That reminds me. I've stopped talking about my feelings for people a considerable amount as of late. I think it's good. Maybe not so good that nobody knows how I feel about certain topics, but good in the sense that people don't think I'm some annoying angsty 15 year old. Which, y'know, everyone is... some people just show it more than others. I think this will benefit me, because the more I talk about my feelings for girls or whatever, the higher the chances are that I'm going to ask them out, and or, tell them how I feel, and we all know how Spencer is... He's like the JD of real life. I'm not so good with words around women... they all just think I'm too strange, or eccentric with my taste in music, or hell, even the pants I wear. I guess it's fine. I'll do what I want to do.

Most girls are shallow, ignorant, judging, (did I mention shallow?), bitches. I'm not going to lie, that's just the way things are. I can say that for most people in general. Just bitches.

Don't get me wrong, my friends that are girls are great people, I wouldn't trade them for anything in the entire world. I just can't trust everyone else though... Just listening to them makes me want to go move somewhere else. For now, at this age, I think lust is a much more fun, less emotional feeling to have. It's pretty much what everyone does, deny it if you must. But you'd be lying to yourself. Just think about it... why do you like any of the people you like? Why would you get into a relationship with any of the people you like? Just list the facts. Think about if for a while.

I know I am not good enough for love. Not yet. Not until I get hurt a lot more. I deserve nothing but to get hurt a lot more.

Not until we all get hurt a lot more.

That's when they come, and they heal you. There's a purpose here somewhere, right?

I went for a walk tonight... and that really helped me wind down. Though, lonely, it reminded me of everything that makes me happy. It was refreshing, walking at night, and then just laying in the center of the field over at Keller Park. It was... everything I could ask for. The fine line between the night sky and the sunset was almost multi-dementional. The way it switched from the worldly, very mortal, sunset, to the deep and untouchable night sky. Reminded me of feelings of love, friendships, walking home from Denny's at 2 in the morning with Nate and company...

Those were the days. And those are the days.

Yeah, anyway. I thought I'd let you in on a few of my thoughts... y'know, a little into the life of Spencer. Interesting? No? Well... you read this far, it's already too late to turn back now.


Don't stop believin',
Spencer

Damn.

It feels good to be a gangster.

You know. All these plans I've got, you know, the things I want?

Yeah, I figure they are mostly going to fail. Mostly. It's worth a shot though. I just have to be alive for a week. And then a year. As long as I can pull off those two things, I can do whatever it is I need to do.


These personal goals... mean nothing to nobody but me. Maybe.



They might just fail so beautifully, it'll be like watching a car crash from a rainbow.

This was one of those days, you know. One of those days.

You feel like you've accomplished and gained so much. When you've done nothing but the normal, and have gotten nothing more than you already had. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm not happy with what I have. I've got everything I could ever need.

Want on the other hand, perhaps not.

There's always a bit of something missing from us all.


Well. I woke up today, y'know. Awaken by my sister because it was like... seven ten in the morning, apparently my alarm chose not to go off again. That or I just imagined myself setting it the night before. Funny thing, my sister usually gets pretty pissed at me when I don't wake up, and today... much lighter voice. I know why. We pretty much all know why. It's the only reason people who never asked me how I was, or how my day has been, ever do nowadays. It just makes everything seem more sad.

Enough about that though.

Got to school, went to boring 'ol US history class. Girl that reminds me of Emma (Ashleigh... somethin') was a skippin' today. That was just about the only thing that caught my attention in that class. People in there are pretty nice laid back people, it's a good atmosphere. Just... kinda boring in the morning because everyone is still waking up. Presentations due for that class in say... 7 hours.

Got to PE, and let me tell ya. I'm hitting way better than I should be for not practicing in over a month and a half. I'm hitting with a Varsity 2 Doubles kid. It's just... weird. I didn't think I'd be that good at all. Maybe he was just off today.

Third... off. Nobody around. Sat around. Y'know. Cool kid stuff.

Lunch... went to Trivellis for a sandwich, good food. Nobody to eat with though, y'know.


Yeah yeah... the rest of the day kinda went like that. It was a bit on the dull side, but there usually isn't a lot of excitement around the school. haha.


After school though, that was fun. We all went to Kyle's house after school for about an hour or so, I beat Jordan again, and we talked about Mac against Microsoft. The ongoing argument. I love it so. After getting a soda that Tyler horded away from me... we left Kyle's house. We ended up getting a ride from Kyle's aunt, who lives across the street from him. She drove us to Russell, where Jacob and I parted ways with Tyler. We got to my house, and I gave Jacob my memory card for Tales, and then he had to leave shortly after...

Shortly after the video game orgy!

Yeah, good times, yo.

A lot of time passed, I talked with a few people, y'know. And here I am, talkin' with Sam. Oh man... that rhymed. haha.

Tomorrow's going to be a really good day. Well, after school at least.


You know how we roll.

I also realize this is a very... bland post. Well, it's 1:17 in the morning, and I'm tired, haha. I think I'll be better tomorrow.


Laters,
Spencer

When you hit the sheets you're gone like
water to wine, awake's just a waste of time
As you sit alone in a taxi cab driven by your old best friend
You see, even he, drives the car all the way to the end

It's just a little turn here, and a little turn there
It doesn't stop here, and it doesn't end there
Just a little longer to go now
Just a little bit longer to go now
Don't stop for anything

When the wind hits your face you're out like
rain from the clouds, falling's the way you die
As the cogs turn and the hands point to nothing at all
You see, even it, keeps the time 'till the end

It's just a little turn here, and a little turn there
It doesn't stop here, and it doesn't end there
Just a little longer to go now
Just a little bit longer to go now
Don't stop for anything
Don't stop for anything
Don't stop for anything

And so the last day or so has been eventful. Quite eventful.

Quite possibly the most ironic of them all too. Sadly.

I'm a very depressed person, and I cannot link my depression to my life, in any way. I was getting tired of feeling indescribable pain, so with the words of my friends, decided to tell my mom I needed help. It was just about...

The worst experience of my life.

So far, to say the least.

Imagine telling your mom you'd rather kill yourself than to be alive, and have to show her, have her touch the scars on your chest. Now multiply it by ten times, and you have the actual experience. It's like the words don't want to come out, but since I want help, I can't hide anything. If people want to help you, you have to give them all the answers, with no lies. She called a bunch of places, made appointments, called my dad. My dad came over and we drove, we drove in his car.

Took that curve by the college at eighty.

Driving with my dad, I had suddenly felt like an adult. This was real. It helped open my eyes to what is in front of me. To everything really. I still have a lot to learn, but this gave me so much.

It's that feeling that you're falling. But there's a fine line between falling and flying.

I learned about my dad's past, things I never knew. Learned so much. And yeah, it would be selfish of me to kill myself. It doesn't actually solve any of the problems, it just leaves them for everyone else to deal with. If I did that... it would be the most selfish thing I could ever do. It's apparent to me that people care about me. I was surprised when I heard my sister even cried for me when she learned what was going on.

It made me really think.

I learned that it's not up to me, who loves me, who has feelings for me. No matter what I say, no matter what actions I take. I've learned to accept that it's possible that nobody may ever actually want to be with me. And I'm fine with it.

I learned that love is sacrifice. Even if it means me giving up pursuing the feelings that mean the most to me. Even if it means giving up that... happiness I got during that night looking at the stars. I may never feel that feeling again, but if loving means giving my dearest things, take them. It's not about me anymore. I'll still love, the difference is that you may never want to acknowledge it. I'm ok with that. It's not about stupid feelings anymore. It's about growing up.

I built your cupboards out of my bones, shoveled your snow with an ice cream cone.

I know where I stand.


Visits with the doc are going to become a normal thing now. 120 dollars a pop. I'm ok with that though. I finally don't feel bad about using my parents money. They want to spend it on me. And I know what that means.

I think I'm going to take tomorrow off to just give myself a little time to calm down. I'll be visiting the doc again on next Thursday. I'm really hungry and thirsty now though... I think I'm going to go get something to satisfy that urge. Other than that, life is getting on the right track, everything is starting to fit into place.

Everything is going to get better for me. I'll start being happy maybe for once. I'll be happy with nobody else giving input. I'll find an anchor. I'll get to drive around that corner by the college at eighty every night. I'll get a car, and I'll make it fast. I'll eat good meals at the Elephant Bar. I'll feel everything nobody ever gave me.

'Till then. Sing it!

I'm movin' to Canada!

-Spencer


(Cloud Cult rules, if you can't already tell)

Oh, and That Man Jumped Out the Window also was amazing.


God, Cloud Cult. They rule way too much... no, that's not possible. They can't ever rule TOO much. But yes. I love this album.